Selfish Like That

I've been writing with the Fish lately. Here is an acoustic version of "Selfish Like That". It was great to have Rod Knapp from No Reverse Gear join me on this song. It is a deeply emotional song for me. I can't wait to get this one recorded!!!




Covered in white, the happiest day of your life
Covered in black, I hope you're finding peace at last
Covered in gray, you don't feel anything anyway

We're all selfish like that, yes we're all selfish like that

Covered in love, that's the one you take advantage of
Covered in death, its only then you voice your regrets
Covered in fear, it'll hold you still for a moment my dear

We're all selfish like that, yes we're all selfish like that

You don't believe me, no you don't agree
You can't see it the way my eyes see

We're all selfish like that, yes we're all selfish like that

Covered in white, a mistake I'll have for my life
Covered in black, I hope you're finding peace at last
Covered in gray, I guess I'm waiting for a sunny day

The pre mortem decline

Manners.

They are dead.
Hold out your hand, turn your head with no appreciation expressed.
They owe it to you.
Go ahead and tell yourself again.
Its mine, I deserve it.

All The Fish - Dreaming

It's a tough song to sing with the emotions behind it... Look back to the days when you were mine A frozen picture has faded with time Oceans of memories are black & white My regrets show that you know & I know that I'm Dreaming of a place and of a time, when everything feels fine I'm screaming, I'm dreaming I've got to get out of this place because I'm bleeding out inside To show you love now would be unkind Living on your world left me confined Where my road leads I can't define But your love-sick smile sends me to the day where I'm Dreaming of a place and of a time, when everything feels fine I'm screaming, I'm dreaming I've got to get out of this place because I'm bleeding out inside You will wake up and wonder where I've gone You can't follow me, this is the place where I belong Now it's so hard to just say whats on my mind cause I know you're not the one I'll have for all my life Dreaming of a place and of a time, when everything feels fine I'm screaming, I'm dreaming I've got to get out of this place because I'm bleeding out inside Just close your eyes and dream baby just close your eyes and dream of me Baby, maybe we could see each other in a dream so baby, maybe we could just dream

Thanks for All the Fish

Day 1.

I was a zombie walking. I cried briefly  for a few minutes hours after the devastating phone call.

Day 3.

I went to your house. Numb, sweating, dry heaving. Hysterical crying outbursts at any given moment.

Day 6.

I saw you in a casket and vomited. It was actually true. You were dead.

Week 1 summary.

Absolute denial of some sort. My brain didn't function. I couldn't sleep, eat or think.



It is amazing what the sudden loss of a loved one can do to a person. Absolute sadness.


I can't believe we haven't spoken in 4 months. You lost it all, I still love you.

Illusion

I've recently found myself in the strangest mood of my life. All that surrounds me, all that I’m a part of, and all that I’ve become is changing. I can step back and watch everything moving swiftly by and watch everything fall apart. I’m waiting. For what, I am unaware.

Do we hide behind the illusion of a made up sacred sense of life? All that I see others living for makes no sense to me.

A force fed existence. Our daily lives are mere distractions, in the end its all for nothing. Is life an act? Are we all just waiting to die? No one wants to think life is pointless, so we consume ourselves with goals and outcomes that determine our self-worth. Are all of the “important” factors of life just giving us some daily coping and distraction methods to wait for death?  

These thoughts aren't fully derived, just blocked out into categories of questions and ideas.

Money. Punching a clock 9-5?

The monotony of our routine. Do we pay attention to life surrounding us? Why do we pride a banal existence on being a type-A, hardworking job slave? Do we just get used to living our lives and routine that we are actually numb to the rest?

Success. Is it measureable? Does it really define us?

Religion. Made up?

What if it was proven God does not exist?  Would you be irate that you’ve wasted precious time on reading and devoting your life to ancestral creative writing?

Love. A selfish feeling?

How many can say they’ve loved unselfishly? Don’t we always want something in return? Even with the greatest intentions, we all love because of the amazing emotion that comes with love. What about lost love? Are we continuing to be selfish to want to purge the planet of our exes? What happens to love when it dies?

Competition. Do we all just compete for who can distract and cope while waiting?

I am in a line, post marked circa 1983. We are all unaware of the length of the line in which we stand, regardless of our post marked date. 

Mike, You are cherished in my memories every day that I am in line. 

My memory is selective, I always forget.

How real does it look? I smile, but I’d rather be dead.

I usually want to hide away, it feels right.

What does it prove for me to be the one who runs to you?

It’s not me; it’s not all my fault.

I had to forgive for the both of us, bending more than you ever did.

You’ve never had love like mine before.

Are you still mad? My memory is selective, I always forget.

Maybe if I were a little simpler, I wouldn't be so hard to understand.

Maybe if I weren't so obvious you’d still be the one I’d run to

Now I can’t since I’m more than you can stand

More than you can accommodate

More than you can take

More than you can frustrate

More than you can handle.

 If you’re still mad, I don’t care.

You don’t seem to mind, you can give it to me.

I like it even when it hurts.

I just wanted to wake up.

I can’t express how good it finally feels to wake up and feel okay about it all.

It feels so good to finally be released of you and who you are.

You released me and didn’t know it.

It’s never enough, but it was always more than you could take.

When you still wanted again, I fought through it.

Now that I’ve told you, you better listen.

It is dead, as I who you once knew is dead.

I will love another.

Written: October 2010

It's Alright

It’s Alright

Shut your eyes and tell me all that you see

Soft hair, a smile, a soul you’d love to free

It’s not me so I’ll go & I’ll know there’s nothing left to say

Just one last time

Pretend my smile will be your life

Our goodbyes won’t change

Both of us know too well

I’ll always smile when I hear your name

Just know it’s alright

It’s okay, I’m okay & it’s alright.

You fall away from me

It pours down on me

A sad smile is all you give

Rest for my heart will never be

Shut your eyes, its time.

Say the only name that floats into your mind

It’s not mine, but it’s alright

It’s not mine, but it’s okay and I’m alright

I will go. I will know, it’s okay, it’s alright.

Written: August 2010