Thanks for All the Fish

Day 1.

I was a zombie walking. I cried briefly  for a few minutes hours after the devastating phone call.

Day 3.

I went to your house. Numb, sweating, dry heaving. Hysterical crying outbursts at any given moment.

Day 6.

I saw you in a casket and vomited. It was actually true. You were dead.

Week 1 summary.

Absolute denial of some sort. My brain didn't function. I couldn't sleep, eat or think.



It is amazing what the sudden loss of a loved one can do to a person. Absolute sadness.


I can't believe we haven't spoken in 4 months. You lost it all, I still love you.

Illusion

I've recently found myself in the strangest mood of my life. All that surrounds me, all that I’m a part of, and all that I’ve become is changing. I can step back and watch everything moving swiftly by and watch everything fall apart. I’m waiting. For what, I am unaware.

Do we hide behind the illusion of a made up sacred sense of life? All that I see others living for makes no sense to me.

A force fed existence. Our daily lives are mere distractions, in the end its all for nothing. Is life an act? Are we all just waiting to die? No one wants to think life is pointless, so we consume ourselves with goals and outcomes that determine our self-worth. Are all of the “important” factors of life just giving us some daily coping and distraction methods to wait for death?  

These thoughts aren't fully derived, just blocked out into categories of questions and ideas.

Money. Punching a clock 9-5?

The monotony of our routine. Do we pay attention to life surrounding us? Why do we pride a banal existence on being a type-A, hardworking job slave? Do we just get used to living our lives and routine that we are actually numb to the rest?

Success. Is it measureable? Does it really define us?

Religion. Made up?

What if it was proven God does not exist?  Would you be irate that you’ve wasted precious time on reading and devoting your life to ancestral creative writing?

Love. A selfish feeling?

How many can say they’ve loved unselfishly? Don’t we always want something in return? Even with the greatest intentions, we all love because of the amazing emotion that comes with love. What about lost love? Are we continuing to be selfish to want to purge the planet of our exes? What happens to love when it dies?

Competition. Do we all just compete for who can distract and cope while waiting?

I am in a line, post marked circa 1983. We are all unaware of the length of the line in which we stand, regardless of our post marked date. 

Mike, You are cherished in my memories every day that I am in line. 

My memory is selective, I always forget.

How real does it look? I smile, but I’d rather be dead.

I usually want to hide away, it feels right.

What does it prove for me to be the one who runs to you?

It’s not me; it’s not all my fault.

I had to forgive for the both of us, bending more than you ever did.

You’ve never had love like mine before.

Are you still mad? My memory is selective, I always forget.

Maybe if I were a little simpler, I wouldn't be so hard to understand.

Maybe if I weren't so obvious you’d still be the one I’d run to

Now I can’t since I’m more than you can stand

More than you can accommodate

More than you can take

More than you can frustrate

More than you can handle.

 If you’re still mad, I don’t care.

You don’t seem to mind, you can give it to me.

I like it even when it hurts.

I just wanted to wake up.

I can’t express how good it finally feels to wake up and feel okay about it all.

It feels so good to finally be released of you and who you are.

You released me and didn’t know it.

It’s never enough, but it was always more than you could take.

When you still wanted again, I fought through it.

Now that I’ve told you, you better listen.

It is dead, as I who you once knew is dead.

I will love another.

Written: October 2010

It's Alright

It’s Alright

Shut your eyes and tell me all that you see

Soft hair, a smile, a soul you’d love to free

It’s not me so I’ll go & I’ll know there’s nothing left to say

Just one last time

Pretend my smile will be your life

Our goodbyes won’t change

Both of us know too well

I’ll always smile when I hear your name

Just know it’s alright

It’s okay, I’m okay & it’s alright.

You fall away from me

It pours down on me

A sad smile is all you give

Rest for my heart will never be

Shut your eyes, its time.

Say the only name that floats into your mind

It’s not mine, but it’s alright

It’s not mine, but it’s okay and I’m alright

I will go. I will know, it’s okay, it’s alright.

Written: August 2010

The Actor

There is something you should know, underneath my smile I'm not well

You could never tell, or see that in me

You would always just believe, so you didn't have to feel the pain

How easily it was for you to deny me relief

It's so easy for you to pretend you're something you're not

I got caught in the web of acting distraught

　

I never forget the pain, but I never let you know that I remember

I never forget what you did to me, time passes but the thoughts linger of what could have been and what will now never be

I've been running just to fall, I couldn't have predicted this all

It's become so clear in mind, you've just been a waste of time 

Written: December 7, 2010

WAKE UP?

از تو حركت، از خدا بركت 




Go and wake up your luck, says the old Persian Proverb.




Isn't luck and good fortune totally random?




Mega rich Cal (Billy Zane) in Titanic tells the homeless Jack (Leo Dicap) "A real man makes his own luck." Since we've all seen the movie, we know Jack gets the bittersweet taste of dying in the arms of his beloved, while Cal survives yet puts a pistol in his mouth during the stock market crash of the 20's. Who really made their luck in this scenario? I'm pretty sure the Persians have something about money can't make happiness, but I'm sick of trying to translate Farsi.




Is it just that lucky people find opportunities that flash by others because they are aware of what is going on around them? Listening and being an attentive observer might help hone in on available opportunities even moments before others, making you the lucky one.




If you believe you're favored does it mean you will be? I do believe in the power of positive thinking. All through college, even if I hadn't studied for a test if I ran over the few things I knew in mind for certain and thought the, "You can do this" happy thoughts, I feel I fared better than if I had just scribbled my name down, barely read the questions and jetted out the door. Isn't that common sense though? Reading the questions with a positive demeanor, thinking analytically about each question, and answering them with a good attitude and upbeat tone... doesn't that sound like a better attitude won over being favored?




Is there a high correlation between people who say they're lucky and upbeat people?




It seems to me those upbeat people rejoice after hearing anything by casting it in a positive light.




Did you hear one million people were killed in an accident?

My goodness, at least it wasn't one million and one.




Did you not hear what the hell I said? ONE MILLION people were killed. Jesus. These types of optimists kill me, literally. The severity and graveness of the situation would not ever let me utter the words, "at least it wasn't a million and one". This is the extreme side of course... These people do not live in reality or the real world.




I know there has been an abrupt death to common sense, but I am still a huge fan. I'd take common sense and someone who is moderately intelligent over a genius prodigy who can't carry on a conversation unless its with a beetle. The people on both ends of the extreme seem to scream out that they do not have common sense and/or live in the real world.




I had an ex who would get increasingly frustrated with my pleas of asking him to live in the real world with me. He couldn't deny the cold hard facts that the literary truths of the world held, yet he still remained to live some where between a made up world of kitties and butterflies in some far away fairy-tale place where only his realities mattered. It all seemed like a life was built on these false set of lies or non realities just to escape from the reality of everyday normal life.




This type of person is the prime example of a person who creates his own luck. It could mean changing the price tag to give yourself a better deal, rummaging through a locker room for a few dollars you just "stumble" upon, or surprising an unknowing family you know well and tranquilizing them to steal from them. Yes all of these are outrageous, but someone who believes they are creating their own luck or sees unrealistic optimism in things (I know I stole from everyone in the locker room, but my optimism and fairy-tale land ways allow me to see I just stumbled upon it...) as a righteous way of life.




So to the old Persian Proverb of waking up your own luck, I'm not quite sure how I am taking it just yet.




I think it can be as simple as wearing a smile on your face everyday and determining what type of demeanor you choose to carry with you daily, anything else just seems fake. I don't need to look down on my wrist and see a plastic band telling me to WAKE UP to know that I need to face the world with a sense of hope... (again that common sense kicks in).

Lie

Check out my band AthenA doing our original song called "Lie" at O'Shecky's Live in Columbus, Ohio on December 30, 2011 at the Black Eyed Betty CD Release party :)

Thank you to my dear friend Ian C. Powell for the video and always supporting us!!!

Click on the link to go to the youtube video! :)

***MUAH***

AthenA - Lie








Lie lyrics


Chorus 1

When you're not here, I wonder where you are.
I know you're not that far, from me.
One last time, open up your eyes, and you'll see, it's me.

Verse 1

Do you want the truth or a lie? Maybe I could shed a little light.
If it makes you feel better, or seem like I comply with what you say, I guess I might...
Make you feel better with a little lie.

Pre-Chorus

You pretend that I can't see, all the things you do.
You pretend, well we make believe that your world came unglued when I figured out the dark in you.
Just when I think I have you turned around is when I think I can tell you a little white

Chorus 2

Lie to me, and tell me you're not far and I'll believe.
One last time open up your eyes and you'll see, it's me.

Verse 2

If I show you proof would you deny? Baby we both know you're always right.
Since it makes you feel better, that's what I'll say for you to hear.
I guess I might, make you feel better with a little lie.


Pre-Chorus

You pretend that I can't see, all the things you do.
You pretend, well we make believe that your world came unglued when I figured out the dark in you.
Just when I think I have you turned around is when I think I can tell you a little white

Chorus 2

Lie to me, and tell me you're not far and I'll believe.
One last time open up your eyes and you'll see, it's me.


Chorus 1

When you're not here, I wonder where you are.
I know you're not that far, from me.
One last time, open up your eyes, and you'll see, it's me.
It's me, It's me, baby It's me.